sorry for all the posts. i'm on a roll.

thanks for being supportive of my being cruel and unremorseful. :)










enjoy <3

i have no best friends.
and that hurts me.
so much.

ouch.
that hurt.

all is well.

merry day after christmas!

anyway, instead of rambling about what i got for christmas; i've got an idea.

I'M GOING TO BUY A DOMAIN (yet again..) AND MAKE A BLOG.. KIND OF LIKE DEMONBABY.

my question is:

what should my domain name be? EDIT:// TURNS OUT I STILL HAVE PANDA-GA-INAI.ORG HOSTING AND EVERYTHING!
but i still don't know the password.. i totally forgot :X

and who's willing to help with wordpress, etc.?

He's absolutely wonderful. I saw him today, and it was amazing. We met at Central Square in Cambridge. I went into CVS to buy some condoms, just in case. As we were walking, I gave him the letter and the sketchbook I made him. He gave me the sweetest smile and the best hug. We rode bikes and I kept falling off mine and crashing into cars. I actually hurt myself a few times, but I didn't want him to know that, because I was embarassed for falling in the first place. After I finally got the hang of it, we rode about twenty minutes to the Cambridgeside Galleria. We went into the Apple store, and he made the cutest face I have ever seen. I can't describe it, it was so cute. We walked around the Galleria for a little bit, until I got thirsty. We went to the food court and got something to drink. We sat at a table and talked for what seemed like forever, but was really about an hour and a half. He told me a lot of stories. Like how he took a schoolgirl's virginity in Hong Kong when he lived in China, how he was a part of a cocaine experiment, and some of his sexual experiences. He also told me he had a girlfriend, and that really bummed me out, even though I knew that already; and she's coming back from Peru in a month. He said they have an open relationship. But I'm not looking for sex, I'm looking for love.

He kept making reference to me being eighteen, and as much as I wanted to correct him and say "I'M SIXTEEN." I just couldn't. I could not find it in me to tell him, because I know if i told him, he wouldn't want to talk to me or be my friend ever again. Why did I have to sign up for Adult Friend Finder? Why did I have to give him my screen name? Why did I have to talk to him? Why did I even fucking meet him?

I told him some things about me, some very personal things. I don't know why I told him, but I felt like I've known him for years. We were certainly talking that way. We really made a connection, or at least that's what I thought.

The Galleria was starting to close, so we decided to go into Harvard Square. I told him I didn't feel like riding a bicycle, so he said we could walk. As we were walking, we once again talked about everything under the sun. I remember looking up at the sky during our walk and pointing out how you can't see the stars. In my fantasy world, I wanted him to say,

"You're the only star in my sky."

Or something crazy like that. But he didn't, he just said that's what he hates about boston.

We passed by the Garment District, and we saw some people go in. I looked at the sign and it said something along the lines of "Open until eleven in October," so we decided to go in. It was a total mess when we walked in, but it was kind of charming. We walked around and I asked him,

"What are you going to be for Halloween?"

And in the sweetest voice he replied,

"An Elephant."

I nearly died, from the cuteness. All of this time I was thinking to myself,

"When do I tell him? How the fuck do I tell him?"

I wanted to tell him, but I just knew things wouldn't be the same if he knew the truth.

When we left the Garment District, I hugged him and said,

"If you didn't have a girlfriend, I'd totally kiss you right now."

"Likewise," He replied.

We headed towards Harvard Square. It was quite a long walk, especially pushing a bicycle, with the pedals crashing into my legs every five minutes, or so. I kind of didn't mind, because I liked spending time with him.

We finally made it to Harvard and we chained up the bikes and walked around. We went into some shops and just browsed, because both of us were too poor to buy anything. I wanted to hold his hand like no tomorrow, but I just didn't muster up enough courage to. We walked into the Garage, to get Taro bubble tea, but it was closed, so we went to Flat Patties instead. He was so excited when he saw the menu. I wanted to melt because he was acting sort of like a child, and I really liked that. We ended up getting a hamburger, fries, and root beer. I ended up eating like not even 1/3 of the fries because I have this thing about eating in front of guys I like. Once again, we sat and chatted about nothing, but I thought it was beautiful. I don't know why, though.

After we finished our food, we left and walked to the train station. We said our goodbyes, and he hugged me. I wanted to cry. It was at that point in time I realized that I loved him. I know that's weird to say after only meeting someone once, but I could truly feel it. As I was walking down to the trains, I could still feel his arms around me. I turned on Dashboard Confessional and drifted away into teenage girl dreamland. I dreamt about him, and if we could ever be together. I dreamt about us possibly getting married and having a white picket fence and some children running around on the green grass. I even dreamt about us making love. (I say making love, because to me, he is much more than a fuck.)

When "Turpintine Chaser" came on, I broke down. I couldn't hold in the tears. Everyone on the train was looking at me like I was on something, but I didn't care.

My father kept asking me what was wrong and I kept telling him that I was fine, but really, I was, and still am, a wreck.

I need him. I wish I didn't, but I really fucking do, and I can't stand it. I don't want his girlfriend to come back from Peru because I know that everything is going to change, and I'll be brokenhearted once more.

does anyone know the name or the artist of the song that was popular in the 90s and was about this guy liking this underage girl and it was like "i wanna fuck your daughter" or something like that?

EDIT:// thank you to siracoliosis for finding it for me. i am greatful.

it's called "Hey Mister" by Custom

join tokers

i made it.